Texas Is Hotter Than Hell

"If I don't make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!" — April Mae Monterrosa, CEO and Publisher of “Live From The South Side” established in San Antonio

The devil wanted a place on earth
 Sort of a summer home
 A place to spend a warm vacation
any time he chose to roam.

 So the devil picked Texas
 A place so hot, so wretched and rough
 The climate was just to his liking

It was easy to run it amuck

 He dried up the streams in the canyons again
 And ordered no rain to fall
 He dried up the lakes in the valleys
 Then baked and scorched it all.

 Over his barren country
 He transplanted shrubs from hell.
 The cactus, mesquite cedar and locust
 The climate suited them well.

 The climate and vegetation was perfect

 But animal life, he had none.
 So he conjured up some awful creatures
 That all God fearing Texans would certainly shun.

 First he made the rattlesnake
 With it's forked poisonous tongue.
He taught it to strike and rattle
 And to enjoy the taste of it's young.

 Then he made copperheads, moccasins and lizards
 And even horney toads.
 He added spiders and ants of every description
 To sting when you walked by the side of the road.

 Then when he thought God was not watching

he ordered the sun to shine hotter, and hotter still.
until the mesquite and cactus wilted
 And the horned toad took ill.

 Then he gazed on this hellish kingdom
 As any demon would
 He chuckled and growled
 This is good.

 'Twas August of that summer as Satan lay
 By a dying prickly pear in a meadow without hay
 The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
 So he took off his coat and vest.

 "My God," he finally panted,
 "I did my job too well,
 I'm going back to where I came from,
because Texas is hotter than Hell

Original Author Unknown - Ode to Texas - Changes and additions by Fred Lundgren